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Here’s a trend that has a lot of people confused. On dating sites and apps there’s a growing new category:  gay men seeking sex with straight men. Or straight men seeking sex with gay men.

A recent piece on  Salon.com explored this trend, pointing out that 10 per cent of ‘male seeking male’ ads, were asking for men who did not identify as gay or bi. On top of this, 24 per cent of ‘male seeking male’ ads were actually posted by men who were not gay or bi.

Therapist Joe Kort, speaking to Salon, said that it wasn’t necessarily because these men are closeted or actually bisexual . Instead, he theorised that men merely enjoy how easy it was to get this type of sex.

Many people become confused about this because they think these men are gay or at least bi because they are hooking up with other men… But these men are not attracted to the men, they are attracted to the quick and easy sex that doesn’t involved social skills or getting to know one another.

Kort added that for those coupled-up, straight dudes out there seeking gay sex, they were more comfortable with the concept, as they didn’t see it as cheating. If “it is with another man and not a woman”, many men think it doesn’t count.

On the other hand, why are gay men seeking out straight males for sex? In this instance, Kort theorises that it has to do with power relations, saying that “internalised homophobia” might have something to do with it.

Joe Kort has previously written for The Huffington Post about why he doesn’t necessarily categorise men who have sex with other men as gay – even though that is a controversial position to take. However, Kort feels that he is respecting how how patients self-identify – if they don’t feel the need to classify themselves as gay or bi, why should he?

Kort explains that, “The truth is that many men who have sex with men aren’t gay or even bisexual. Although their mental and emotional state resembles that of the initial stages of coming out, gay and bisexual men go on to develop a gay or a bisexual identity, whereas these men don’t.”

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From the beginning, there was unhappiness in the marriage, with doubts about whether they had made the right decision. He'd always felt uncertain about his sexual orientation and this troubled him more and more as he got older.

Like many men in his situation, Nick, a nurse, found himself living a double life. On the surface he was a happily married man, but he was also using gay pornography. He'd get drunk with a gay friend and, he says, "events took their course".

"I felt it was the right opportunity to be honest and tell her what she'd already suspected of me, but there'd been an understanding that if I didn't do anything we wouldn't talk about it - and when I did we had to talk about it."

Nick acknowledges it would have been better for her if he had admitted sooner that he was gay and needed to act upon it. She told him she was disappointed that he hadn't been able to trust her enough to be honest with her, and that if she had known she would have accepted it.

"I still feel inordinately grateful to her each day that she was so tolerant after that," Nick says. The couple chose to stay together not for the sake of children - they don't have any - but because of their feelings for each other.

But can he stick to that promise? He says: "I'm hoping so, it's my intention to. It didn't feel like a choice in the past, it felt like it was enforced on me. I'm now making that choice that I would like to, in a sense, remain celibate."

John, a lecturer at Manchester Metropolitan University who was married for seven years, says it took him a long time to realise he was gay. He knew his sexuality was ambiguous but he didn't have the vocabulary to define it.

"We've had bursts of tears when people have come because they're so upset and also so relieved to find out there are other people that are just like themselves. Because that's part of the problem, because we're a myth, we don't exist.

 

 

 

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